


the taste of home

by orphan_account



Category: Alexander Hamilton - Ron Chernow, Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Affairs, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bisexual Alexander Hamilton, Character Death, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Food, Gay, Gay John Laurens, How Do I Tag, I swear, Implied Sexual Content, Letters, M/M, Military, Military Inaccuracies, Missing in Action, Nonbinary Marquis de Lafayette, Pansexual Hercules Mulligan, Rating May Change, Reunions, Separation Anxiety, im so glad thats a tag, laffy taffy, law inaccuracies, uh oh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-22
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:27:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22355611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Lams!Trials and tribulations of Alexander when John goes to fight in the military and our petit lion just can’t seem to catch (or take) a break.
Relationships: Aaron Burr/Theodosia Prevost Burr, Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette/Hercules Mulligan, Lams
Comments: 13
Kudos: 41





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was probably hungry when I wrote this... anyways, the only food aspect of this is John being a chef. I thought it was cute and the dish is inspired off of one of my favorites at a local restaurant (minus the pork). Sorry that was random lmao, you’re not here for me talking about cooking and food an shit.  
> Lams! Enjoy.

_Click, click, click_  
Small flames began to lick the bottom of the pan set on the front rack of the stove. A small tanned hand quickly moved back and forth, drizzling some olive oil over the bottom and swirling it so it covered the entire surface. Medallions of pink pork belly covered with light seasoning were slid over the oil; a dash of soy sauce followed. Over the sound of the sizzling meat, a phone started vibrating on the countertop nearby. The hand that had held the oil a moment earlier now picked up the phone and brought it up to an ear. John Laurens stood in the kitchen with an apron around his waist and his sleeves rolled up to his elbows. On the menu tonight was Japanese ramen: two eggs, green onions, and shiitake mushrooms sat to the side of two serving pots of ramen cooking on the stovetop beside the pork. Tonight was really just like any other night; Alex would be coming home soon, and they would eat dinner and chat until they went to bed. The phone call was kind of throwing John off his cooking rhythm.   
“I know I said I would be able, but… I didn’t think it would be so soon. Hell, I was expecting a couple years so I could work at the- Yes. Yes, I’m sorry, I’m rambling.”   
At the same time, the sound of keys jangling outside the apartment fell on deaf ears as Alexander entered the apartment. There was snow on his shoes, which he stamped off and kicked to the side as he threw his keys into a bowl and shed his coat. The bag over his shoulder which contained papers from his work at the Washington law firm was tossed into the mess of shoes where his own had landed previously. It was a mix of both his and John’s; kind of unorganized but all in the same place.   
He smelled the food cooking in the kitchen and smiled to himself. It was very rare for John to cook his favorite meal. As he went further into the apartment, he heard what sounded like his boyfriend on the phone.   
“-out there? It’s so far… No, of course he won’t like it, he’ll be upset with me.”  
“What won’t I like?” Alexander asked quietly, coming through the kitchen doorway and resting his hand on the frame.   
Johns’ eyes widened like that of a kicked puppy. Whoever was on the other side of the call was still talking or asking him something.  
“I gotta go, I’ll call you back later,” was all he said into the phone. With that, he hung up. The silence between them felt heavy, but it was interrupted by an abrupt pop from the pork. John hurriedly flipped each medallion over and turned the heat down a little.  
“Who was that?” Alex asked, and followed up with a repetition of his last question. “What won’t I like?” He bit his lower lip and shifted his feet. “Are you meeting someone somewhere?”   
John stammered for a moment. “I-it was nothing, Alex, just… work.”   
Alex took a couple steps forward until he was beside his boyfriend in front of the stove. “John?”  
John inhaled and looked at Alex with a smile. “Just work, Alexander. I promise.” He turned off the stove and leaned over to peck Alex’s nose. Alex returned the smile hesitantly and turned his face slightly to slot their lips together in a brief kiss. When he moved away, John brought his hand to his cheek and pulled him back for another, deeper kiss. Alex immediately was absorbed in this sudden makeout session, but then John abruptly pulled away, poked his nose, and began to finish preparing the two smaller pots on the other burners.  
After a couple more minutes, Alex had settled at the table with a couple papers in front of him and a pen in hand. John came over and nudged his hand out of the way, prompting the papers to move as well, and placing two steaming hot bowls of boiling ramen in their two places. The contents of the dish contrasted nicely, and the eggs had begun to cook in the simmering broth.   
“Be careful, it’s _very_ hot,” John said softly, kissing Alex’s forehead before sitting down in his own chair.   
“Thank you for everything, my love,” Alex said, picking up the chopsticks that had been set out. John smiled and gently lifted his foot, hooking it around his knee and gently rubbing up and down his calf. The two ate and chatted, but even then, the phone call was was weighing down John’s usually upbeat mood. Alex noticed but decided against saying anything until they were cleaning the dishes together and putting the colorful leftovers aside. John had just started drying the last plate when Alex decided to bring it up.  
“Is everything ok?”  
John nodded, but his expression seemed to soften, and not in a good way.   
Alex put the sponge aside and removed the plate from his hands, it had been long since dried, and instead took his hands in his own. “Talk to me, John.”   
The man in question said nothing, just stared down at the floor between them. Alexander sighed and took out his phone, going to YouTube and finding Paul Anka’s _Put Your Head On My Shoulder_ , and setting the device aside. He took one of John’s hands in his and placed the other on his waist. For awhile, they danced with nothing but the music filling the air. Finally, John released a heavy breath.  
“I might be getting deployed soon,” he said softly. “To Iran.”  
Alexander suddenly froze. The music changed, but he couldn’t register what song it was, for all he could hear was the waves crashing down on his town, on him, on his mother, on _John_ \-   
Sounds of the waves pushing him deeper into darkness, muffled cries above the surface-  
_Alexander-_  
 _Alexander!_  
His eyes snapped open. John’s hands were cradling his face, his thumbs brushing away any tears that had escaped and were slipping down his cheeks.  
“Alex?”  
“You- it’s so _soon_ -“  
“I know,” John said softly. He leaned his forehead against Alexander’s and continued to stroke the skin of his cheeks.   
Alex stammered and leaned into the touch. “You just started your job at the school, how are you- when-“  
“I have to tell them that I’m taking a leave of absence, but I am not giving up that job,” he said firmly. “That way you’ll know that I’m always coming home to you. And I’m not sure when I’ll have to go… they want me out there as soon as possible to join the tail-end of some training.”   
“I thought you were all done with that?”  
“I’m sure it’s just some brushing up,” he said, and pressed a tender kiss to Alex’s lips. “I’ll be okay, my love. They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, no?”  
Alex bit his lower lip. “I don’t want you to go…”  
“I know,” John whispered. “I know.”  
They pulled one another into an embrace, neither one noticing the song that was now playing in the background. 

_When you're so lonely lying in bed  
Night's closed its eyes but you can't rest your head  
Everyone's sleeping all through the house  
You wish you could dream but forgot to somehow  
Sing this lullaby to yourself  
Sing this lullaby to yourself  
And if you are waiting, waiting for me  
Know I'll be home soon darling I guarantee_


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Is it petty if I say I miss you already?”  
> John snorted and turned his head to kiss Alex’s cheek. “I haven’t even left the apartment yet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: is it too soon to post this  
> Me to me: f*ck it   
> I hate how sHORT this is but I couldn’t think of anything else to add so I guess I’ll have to deal with it.
> 
> Also John and Alexander are the same height, that’s on period, fight me. 
> 
> Kudos and comments breathe life into my soul, thank you for reading!! :) <3

Two nights later, John was woken up by his phone ringing in the early hours of the morning. He groaned and tried to blink away the sleepiness that was weighing down his eyelids as he stumbled to pick up the call.  
“Hello?” he mumbled, voice thick with sleep. Alexander stirred beside him and slowly propped himself up. The blankets had tangled around his legs, and his legs were tangled with John’s. Without a second thought, he scooted closer to his boyfriend and wrapped his arms around him. John absentmindedly began running his fingers through Alex’s hair while he listened to the voice through his phone.  
“I understand,” he replied quietly to whatever the person had said. His sleepiness was slowly fading away into a more awake state. “I will. Thank you.”   
John hung up the call and placed his phone back on the nightstand, sitting in silence for a moment. He must not have noticed that Alex had actually woken up, because he sat there for a moment just staring at his and Alex’s legs wrapped together under the blanket. Silently, Alex began to alert him of his consciousness by gently rubbing his foot up and down John’s calf. He didn’t know why that was his go-to action, but in a way, the feeling of his boyfriend’s skin grounded him.  
“John?” he said hesitantly after another moment. He got no response, but the fingers in his hair stopped their movements and withdrew. Silence hung heavily in the air as John untangled their legs and swung them over the side of the bed.   
“John, come back to sleep…”  
The man in question stood, grabbing a hairband and putting his curls up into a ponytail. “I have an early flight from the city,” he said softly.  
The heaviness of the meaning of these words struck Alexander deep within his heart. He struggled to form words. “But-“  
“It’s quite literally at dawn.”  
“It’s still dark outside… you could stay in bed a little-“  
“I know,” John cut him off gently. “But I need to get their early, and right now I just need to pack some things.”  
“ _Come back to bed_ ,” Alexander pleaded.  
John leaned down and rested one hand against his cheek, turning his head to press a small kiss to Alex’s lips. “I’ll be back before you know I’m gone.”   
When he pulled away, Alex had heavy tears streaming down his face. “Do you want me to drive you to the airport?” he managed to ask.  
John gave him a sad smile as he began to pack his duffel bag. “Go back to sleep, Alexander. Please. I’ll get an Uber.”  
Before Alex could argue, John had zipped up his bag and strode over to where he was sitting. “Alex,” John whispered, kneeling down in front of Alexander and taking his hands in his own. “My darling, I know you don’t want me to go. I know you’re thinking of all the ways it could go wrong, from the moment I get on the plane to the moment I arrive at camp-“  
“And after that,” Alexander interrupted quietly.  
John chuckled slightly. “Of course. I know you are stressed, but know that while you worry, I worry as well. I worry that you won’t take very good care of yourself, that you’ll get careless and throw yourself into your work and never make an effort to do anything else. For my sake, please take care of yourself and maybe give Herc and Laf a call once in awhile. And remember that I’ll be home soon— like I said, I’ll be back before you know I’m gone. Okay?”  
He looked up at Alex and smiled slightly, softly kissing the back of his hands. “Can you do that for me?”   
Alex stared for a moment before launching himself forward and tackling John to the ground in a hug. “Please be careful,” he whispered against his neck.   
“For you, I will.”   
  
About half an hour later, John was standing in the doorway with his duffel bag slung over his shoulder, just about to leave to take his Uber. Alexander approached him and gave him one last hug, shoving his nose into John’s shoulder and inhaling the smell as deep as he could. “Is it petty if I say I miss you already?” he whispered.  
John snorted and turned his head to kiss Alex’s cheek. “I haven’t even left the apartment yet.”   
When John moved away from the embrace, Alex’s eyes were puffy and his face stained with tears. Alexander pressed one final kiss to John’s lips, warm puffs of air escaping when they broke momentarily to breathe.   
“I’ve got to go,” John breathed when he pulled away fully. His eyes were misty now, and he was blinking continuously to try and stop the tears from falling. They linked hands and made their way to the elevator. At the exit, John let his hand fall from Alexander’s and didn’t turn back until he was about to get into the car. Alex was rubbing his arms in an attempt to keep warm in the cold; he had forgotten to put on a jacket.   
“I love you,” John said.   
Alexander let out a muffled sob. “I love you too.”   
With that, John gave him a sad smile, sniffled, and slid into the car. In a minute, the Uber was driving down the road.   
Alexander stayed on the sidewalk as the car disappeared. Even after, he took a moment to look up at the sky and observe the dark, heavy clouds drifting by overhead. There was no doubt that it would start snowing soon, adding to the chill that had fallen over New York over the past few weeks. His arms started to lose their feeling, and his fingers were undoubtedly turning blue, but still he stayed outside staring at the sky. A single snowflake dwindled towards him and disappeared from view, presumably landing somewhere next to him. He wondered if it would still be this cold when John came home.   
He went inside and began to get ready for work. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you catch the reference to one of the most heartbreaking songs in the musical?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> God, what had he done?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos and super sweet comments!! I hope this next chapter is satisfactory :) 
> 
> I was gonna wait to post until later today but some of y’all are so sweet I couldn’t wait to get chapter 3 up!!!! 
> 
> I MAY BE TAKING FRENCH BUT DEAR  
> GOD DO I SUCK AT IT
> 
> *King George iii voice* good luck!

The first few days without John around were foreign and lonely. Alexander threw himself into his work, and without his boyfriend around, he sometimes wound up being a little negligent of his personal needs. It wasn’t until Aaron Burr, one of his colleagues at the Washington law firm, brought in some cookies that his wife had made that Hamilton realized he hadn’t eaten in two or three days. Aaron must have noticed, because he invited Alexander over for dinner that very night, and he couldn’t decline because he really had nothing to do other than finish his work ahead of the deadline. So he found himself on Burr’s doorstep with a bottle of wine and flowers.  
Burr answered the door in a t-shirt and jeans, which was strange for Alexander since he was used to seeing him in formal work clothes.   
“Alexander,” Aaron greeted. “Come in, I’m glad you could make it.”  
“Thanks for having me,” Alex replied politely, hanging his jacket on a hook on the wall. As he had predicted after John left, it had snowed a couple inches; he had to stomp his feet a little to shake the snow that was stuck there off. As he followed Burr deeper into the house, he took a moment to observe the house. It generally had a warm and welcoming ambience: the walls ranged from white to a dandelion yellow, with accents of white and navy blue furniture and what appeared to be original paintings. He stopped in front of a particular painting of an ocean scene. It was an oil painting, and a very good one at that. The wild waves popped out at the viewer, and the sky was a dark grey that complimented the dark greens, blues, and purples of the water. White crests on top of the waves contrasted the whole painting, but added to the chaos of the storm above.   
“Theodosia painted that,” Aaron said, interrupting Alexander’s deep observation of the piece. “Do you like it?”  
“It reminds me of my home,” Alexander replied quietly. “Before I left, the island was hit with a rampant hurricane that destroyed pretty much everything, but… I survived. It seemed as if a total dissolution of nature was taking place. In a word, misery in all its most hideous shapes spread over the whole face of the country.”   
“I see… I’m sorry to hear that,” Burr said. “If you ask Theo, I’m sure she’d love to paint you something similar.”  
“That would be nice.”  
Aaron smiled at him and led him to the kitchen. A young woman was bustling around the room between the cabinets and the stove, her curly black hair put up in a loose bun, nicely complementing the yellow skirt and white top she was wearing.   
The smell of whatever she was cooking caught Alexander’s attention. It smelled like one of John’s favorite dishes, Paella Valenciana: seasoned rice with butter beans, saffron, and shrimp. John’s grandmother had made it for him when he was younger, and before she passed away, she gave him the recipe that had been handed down for generations. The smell of the spices swirled around and overwhelmed him, reminding him of the excitedness that had been on John’s face when he first made the meal for Alex on their second date.   
_“Do you like it?” John asked, nervously fiddling with his fork. “I think I messed up the rice…”  
Alexander scooped up a forkful and chewed for a moment. The flavor exploded in his mouth, and it reminded him of a random meal his mother had scrounged together when she was still alive in the Caribbean. He couldn’t help the tears that came to his eyes.  
“Oh God, is it bad? I put too much spice in it, didn’t I? I’m so sorry, I ruined-”  
“John,” Alex interrupted him. “This is fucking amazing.”_  
“Alexander Hamilton?”   
He was drawn out of the memory by the young woman who he had just observed working in the kitchen. “You must be Theodosia,” he greeted, extending his hand. “Yes, I am Alexander. You’re just as beautiful as your husband often says.”  
Theo blushed and shook his hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you. Aaron has spoken about you as well, all good things.”   
“I should hope so,” Alexander laughed. “Thank you for having me over this afternoon… may I ask, are you making _Paella Valenciana?_ ”  
She smiled and nodded. “Yes! I’m surprised you were able to tell, not a lot of people have had it before. I hope you like chicken.”  
“That’s perfect,” Alexander assured her. “My boyfriend actually makes it with shrimp, it’s a family recipe of his.”  
At that moment, Aaron came over with two glasses of the wine that Alexander had brought. Theodosia hurried back to the stove and prepared three dishes of the _paella_ , setting them on the table as they all sat down to eat. Alexander folded his hands and hung his head as Theodosia and Aaron said a prayer before they ate, unsure of whether or not they noticed he didn’t say it along with them. The three of them fell into comfortable conversation, mostly about work and Alexander’s upbringing.   
“What about your boyfriend, John?” Theodosia asked eventually, sipping her wine. “He couldn’t join us tonight?”  
Alexander cleared his throat. “No, um… he was deployed to Iran just a few days ago. Outside of that, he teaches art classes at the local high school.”  
“I had no idea, Alexander… have you been alone this whole time since he left?” Aaron asked.  
Alexander fiddled with the stem of his wine glass and cleared his throat. “Um… yeah, I’ve just been keeping myself busy with work, I guess.”  
“You’re welcome here for dinner anytime, Alexander,” Theodosia said, putting her hand over his. “And when John comes home, he can come too. And he will come home, I know it.”  
“Thank you, you’re too kind.”   
Aaron was nodding in agreement off to the side. After they finished eating, Alexander insisted on helping Theodosia with the dishes before he left. He thanked them once more before he grabbed his coat and went home to his empty apartment.   
And so it continued.   
Alexander tried to be more conscious about his own needs after that: he hated constantly relying on other people to take care of him. And it wasn’t that he couldn’t, he just forgot to sometimes. There was so much else in the world to be done. However, he did take John’s advice and started to hang out with Hercules and Laf a little more… while he took on two cases and a joint case with Burr. He worked tirelessly to put together a defense for his clients, firing endless questions at people on the stand, pushing his arguments, and hoping that the jury would take his words into consideration. “ _They should, really, that’s what they’re there for,_ ” Alexander would think to himself.   
One night, he found himself out with Hercules and Laf after a particularly rough day in court. The opposing team had gained the upper hand, and all Alexander could do was hope that his coming arguments would swing things back in his favor.   
“ _Mon ami, comment ça va?_ ” Lafayette asked upon greeting their friend at the bar. “How is life without John?”  
“ _Ça va_ … it’s certainly different without him at home. I’m not ashamed to admit that I miss him.”   
“Ah, _oui_ , I can only imagine.”   
Hercules joined the table with a round of drinks for the three of them. “At least you’ve got us,” he said with a grin. “And you can spill everything about John.”  
Alexander laughed and shook his head. “You know I couldn’t. One does not kiss and tell”.   
“ _Non, mais sérieusement…_ ” Laf said, “Have you heard from him at all? I doubt he wouldn’t write to you often.”   
“No, and I can’t mail him anything until he sends me the address,” Alexander sighed. “I wish he didn’t have to go,” he added quietly.  
“We all wish that,” Hercules sighed. “When he comes back, we can all celebrate…”  
A small voice in Alexander’s head screamed _if. If he comes back._  
“...but right now, it’s just the three of us, and I think that’s enough of an excuse to drink. John wouldn’t want us to sit around moping, now would he?”  
“ _Je suis d’accord!_ ” Laf exclaimed. “Alexander, your man, though he is fair, no doubt thinks about you every moment his work allows it. But tonight, _maintenant_ , you’re among friends! Is that not enough?”   
Alexander found himself smiling at his two friends. “Alright, you guys…” he laughed. “Cheers!”  
“Raise a glass to John and to ourselves!” Lafayette exclaimed, raising their glass and bumping it with Herc and Alex’s. The night passed with two more rounds coming from the two latter men, easygoing conversation, and even a little karaoke. Eventually they split up to go home with plans to meet up again sometime soon.   
Alexander decided to forego taking a cab since the apartment complex wasn’t too far from the bar, telling himself he was sober enough to make it home, and instead walked home through the night, stopping every once in awhile to stare up at the stars. He reached the building and was about to open the door when he was approached by a young woman with long, curly brown hair, wearing a red crop top, a black jacket, and a long, black skirt.   
“Are you Alexander Hamilton? You work at the Washington law firm?” she asked.   
He stammered for a moment and nodded. “Y-yeah, how can I help you?”  
“I was wondering if you could help me with a case against my husband,” she drawled, leaning against the wall and sticking her hip out. “He’s been mistreatin’ me, and now he’s up and gone… I don’t have anyone else to turn to.” Her lower lip began to quiver and she wiped at some tears that had formed in her eyes. “Can you help me, Mister Hamilton?”  
Alexander gulped. “Um, sure, of course… you could call me at my office, or…” He thought for a moment. “Come inside, I can’t leave you alone at night like this.” He opened the door and stepped aside for her to enter.   
“You’re too kind, sir,” she said, making her way in the building. The two of them entered the elevator together and made their way to Alexander’s apartment. Once they were inside, he turned on a light and put his coat aside, grabbing some papers and a pen. He turned to the woman and was about to ask her for her name when she walked up to him and pressed a deep, messy kiss to his lips. Alexander’s eyes shot open wide, but his body was frozen. A thousand thoughts flickered across his mind, most of them involving John and the fact that he was so far away… so far away… _far away…_  
The woman pushed him against the wall and slid her hand under his shirt and up his chest. She continued her ministrations, and Alexander found his body betraying his mind as his  
eyes   
slipped   
closed.   
His mind screamed  
_NO  
NO John...  
John… John...  
NO_  
But he couldn’t stop, and she didn’t either. His mind blurred.   
  
When Alexander woke up the next morning, the sheets were rumpled and his head was pounding, but there was no one else there. He slowly began to remember what had happened, and his heart fell deep into his stomach.  
_God, what had he done?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the start of this chapter: act one of hamilton  
> the end of this chapter: act two of hamilton


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laffy Taffy!!!!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> iM TakiNg This HoRSE bY thE reIns, mAkiNg My KeyBoArD MalFuNcTioN wiTh TeAr StAiNs- 
> 
> Anyways translations are at the end of the chapter! EVERYONE GIVE IT UP FOR AMERICA’S FAVORITE FIGHTIN’ FRENCH GAYYYYY 
> 
> I miss John. Might fuck around and bring him back soon. We’ll see.
> 
> Comments and kudos are much appreciated! Bon Appétit!!

Alexander’s stomach was rolling and his head spinning. He stumbled into the bathroom and threw up the few contents of his stomach, the acidity of the alcoholic liquid burning his throat until he was dry heaving- or sobbing, he couldn’t tell. Maybe both. _God, he was so fucking stupid._  
Even after the bouts of sickness were over, Alexander still felt like he had to throw up. He slowly pushed himself to his feet and made his way back into the bedroom, falling back on the bed and grabbing John’s pillow, shoving his face into the material and inhaling as deeply as he could. _John…_ Alexander began to quietly sobbed into the pillow. He stayed like that for an hour until he fell back asleep.   
When Alexander woke up the second time, it was about two in the afternoon. His hangover headache was gone, but the horrible sinking feeling in his stomach had not fully dissipated. He slowly sat up and got out of bed, the only goal in his mind to take a shower and rinse off the dirty feeling that remained taut on his skin. The water was scalding hot and he rubbed his skin so hard it turned a deep red, but the ache took the pain away from the truth of what he had done the previous night. _He had cheated on John._ Alexander shivered despite the high temperature of the shower and the steam rising up around him. He was at a loss as to what he should do. The feeling of the waves pulling him down was threatening to overtake him, choke him, hold him down until he drowned and his lungs burned and-  
Everything stopped when he gasped for breath. He realized he had fallen into the wall, and slowly pushed himself back up to turn off the water. After getting out and putting on some comfortable clothes, he solemnly walked out to his P.O. box to check the mail. What was in there only tightened the vice around his heart even more. The first letter from John had finally arrived after three weeks since he had left. Alexander hurried back to his room and set the other mail aside, forgotten for the moment. His heart pounded in his ears as he carefully opened the envelope and slid the folded paper out. 

_My dearest Alexander,  
I’m not sure when this letter will arrive, but my fellow soldiers tell me it typically takes two weeks. If they’re correct, this letter will arrive a little over three weeks after I left you. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you much about the camp and what we’ve been doing, but I’m not sure when I’ll be coming home. We might be seeing some action soon. I made some friends, Margaret (Peggy) Schuyler and Charles Lee (although I wouldn’t exactly call him a friend, he’s kind of a dick). But Peggy actually comes from New York as well! She was telling me about her two older sisters, Elizabeth and Angelica, and I told her about you. I miss you, I miss cooking for you, I miss working at the school, I miss Laf and Hercules, and I miss being in your arms. I love you, mon petit lion. Please take care of yourself and give my regards to Washington, Martha, Laf, Herc, and Burr.   
Yours now and forever,  
Laurens _

Alexander had slid down the wall to the floor in the hallway entrance and was holding the letter in his trembling hands as if it might disappear. His hand flew to his mouth in an attempt to muffle the sobs that would never be heard regardless. Regret had taken over his entire body, and yet, all he could think of was John’s smile. When he had finally run out of tears, he forced himself to stand and placed the letter on the kitchen table. He picked up his phone and dialed Lafayette’s number.  
“Pick up, pick up, pick up.”   
“ _Bonjour!_ I am not able to take your call at the moment, but I will call you back when I can. _Merci!”  
Beep! _  
“Laf, I need to talk to you,” Alexander said hurriedly into the phone. “Text or call me when you get a chance.”  
Not even five minutes later, a text from Laf pinged on his phone. 

Laffy-Taffy: _Que se passe-t-il, mon ami? Is everything okay?_  
Petit Lion: _Can you meet me at Starbucks?_  
Laffy-Taffy: _Ouias, I’ll be there in 10 min_

It took Alexander much longer than 10 minutes to get ready and drag himself out to the Starbucks they had agreed upon. By the time he got there, Lafayette was waiting with two coffees, one their usual fancy Frappuccino and the other Alexander’s iced coffee with cream and sugar.   
“ _Mon ami_ , what has you calling me here on such short notice? We only saw each other yesterday.”  
“I know,” Alexander said quietly. It was then that Laf noticed their friend’s bloodshot eyes and the dark circles that creased his skin. But the thing that stood out the last was the depth of a certain emotion glimmering in those same eyes: something akin to regret or pain, something Laf had rarely seen in the eyes of anyone else in their life.   
“Alexander?” Laf whispered, reaching forward and placing their hand over his. “ _Qu'est-il arrivé?_ Do you want to walk and talk?”  
“Let’s go to the park,” Alexander said, avoiding Laf’s gaze. It was still very cold out, and the low temperature had kept the snow from melting, but that particular day, there was no wind to chill them any further than the frosty air. The sky was grey and the clouds were heavy, as if threatening to burst with confetti-like snow any second. Very few people were out and about that day, but if they were, they were bundled up in coats and other warm accessories. Even Lafayette had a scarf that they were basically hiding underneath.   
Neither of them said anything for a moment until Alexander let out a single, strangled sob. Laf flinched a little and wrapped an arm around their friend, whispering words of comfort for a few minutes. Eventually, Alexander quieted down and stared down at the iced coffee in his hands.   
His face went pale. “I cheated on John,” he whispered.  
Lafayette’s Frappuccino fell from their hands, hit the edge of the bench, and splattered on the ground.   
“ _Quoi?_ ”   
“ _Tu m'entends_ ,” Alexander sighed, wiping a hand over his eyes and then drawing his coat tighter around himself.  
Lafayette gaped for a moment. “ _Merde,_ Alexander… when did this happen?”   
“Last night. And I got John’s first letter today.”  
Silence fell between them once more.  
“ _Comment?_ ” Laf questioned.   
“ _Cette femme…_ she confronted me outside of my apartment building after I was with you and Herc…” He shook his head. “I should have known something was off, especially at that time of night… _Je suis tellement idiot.”_  
“Alexander, I hate to admit it, but you’re right,” Laf sighed. “You _are_ an idiot. For a genius, you’re incredibly stupid. _Tu dois lui parler.”_  
“I know, I know.” Alexander’s eyes welled up again. “I just don’t want to lose him. Words could never express the regret I feel, and I _know_ it’s my fault. How the _fuck_ could I do this to John?”  
Laf bit their lower lip and simply stared at their friend. “ _Mon Dieu_ , Alexander… you’ve gotten yourself in, how you say, quite a um…”  
“Mess? Predicament? Situation?”  
“Pickle!”   
Alexander snorted. “You’re not wrong, Laf. You’re not wrong.”   
Eventually, the two departed with a hug. Lafayette walked away with a million thoughts on their mind. John would no doubt be heartbroken and angry with Alexander, but who wouldn’t be? And while Alexander had been drunk, it was no excuse to cheat on his loyal, loving, perfect, boyfriend who happened to be away fighting in Iran. “Pickle” didn’t seem to do the situation justice. As Laf walked home to Herc, they tried to imagine a situation where John and Alex would have no issues once he came home… but there were few ways that could happen, and there was no doubt in their mind that it would eventually be ruined anyways. They just hoped Alexander would make a smart decision, and hopefully, _maybe_ , it wouldn’t end with two broken hearts. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *inhale* I had too much caffeine in my system when I wrote the first notes but anyways here are the translations:
> 
> Que se passe-t-il, mon ami? : What’s going on, my friend? 
> 
> Qu’est-il arrivé? : What happened?
> 
> Quoi? : What?
> 
> Tu m’endends: You heard me
> 
> Merde: Shit, Damn
> 
> Comment? : How? 
> 
> Cette femme: This woman
> 
> Je suis tellement idiot: I’m such an idiot 
> 
> Tu dois lui parler: You have to talk to him
> 
> Mon Dieu: My God
> 
> Thank you thank you thank you for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ghost-like warmth of a person in his arms lulled him back into a dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter *sigh* and no John...
> 
> But hopefully next chapter!!
> 
> Thanks for sticking around, my lovelies. Each kudos is a hug for John.
> 
> THE FORMAT GOT MESSED UP >:((

After talking with Laf, Alexander slowly began to reinsert himself into social life. He really hadn’t withdrawn for very long, but two days curled up in bed crying over a letter seemed like forever to him. His hands were practically vibrating with energy- or caffeine- as he went to work the following Monday. And sure, throwing himself into his work once more probably _wasn’t_ the best decision, but he would go _insane_ if he didn’t so _something._ Washington probably noticed the shift in his behavior, but didn’t say anything. Burr approached him with a painting from Theodosia: an ocean scene with yellow skies swirling above the chaos of the sea. Alexander had no idea how to show his gratitude, so he found himself sending Aaron home with a gift card to some fancy restaurant in the city. He figured it would make a nice date for the couple, especially since they had just received news that Theodosia might be struggling with some kind of illness. She hadn’t gotten the chance to visit the Doctor’s, so they were left in the dark until the appointment.

A nagging voice in the back of Alexander’s mind constantly reminded him that he would have to write John back eventually. What would he say? For once, Alexander was at a loss for words. The one day he had time after work to pick up a pen and sit down at his desk, he wrote “ _My Dear Laurens,”_ and then sat there for a solid twenty minutes contemplating how to start. More importantly, whether or not he would tell John about the… affair. The word seemed heavy in Alexander’s mind. _Affair._ As if it were implying he had wanted it to happen. The woman never appeared again, and he couldn’t help but wonder what had happened to her if her story was true. In the end, he set his pen down and actually remembered to get something to eat. 

As the days passed since the letter arrived, the vice around Alexander’s heart tightened with a lack of a response. The only time it seemed to ease up was while he was working, or any time his mind was occupied by other things. And then there came the peculiar instance where he came face to face with someone who both reminded him of John and distracted him at the same time. Well, two people. 

Alexander was in his office at Washington law firm when he first met Angelica and Elizabeth Schuyler. The two women came in unexpectedly, immediately asked for him, and were soon lead to his desk.

“Angelica Schuyler,” one woman introduced herself. She had slightly darker skin and long dark curls that elegantly framed her face, complemented by the pink fabric of her sweater over white pants. Alexander shook her extended hand and turned to the other woman.

“Elizabeth Schuyler,” she said, delicately shaking his hand. Elizabeth had paler skin and dark brown, slightly wavy hair that had been cut short and shaved on one side. She was wearing a blue blouse and some black leggings that matched the deep navy of her lipstick. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“The Schuylers!” Alexander said, surprised. “John wrote to me about the two of you and Peggy.”

“And our sister told us about you and John,” Angelica explained with a smile. “We figured since you also live in New York, it wouldn’t hurt to get to know each other.”

“Perhaps you could take a break and go out for lunch with us?” Eliza asked.

Alexander quickly set his papers aside and stood. “Nothing would delight me more.” 

The encounter with the two Schuyler sisters turned out to be one of the best days Alexander experienced since John left. If Angelica and Eliza, as she preferred to be called, were such wonderful company, there was no doubt that Peggy was as well. The three of them went out to eat at a local sandwich shop, where they ate and chatted and began to become good friends. Towards the end of Alexander’s lunch break, they exchanged numbers and felt comfortable enough to depart with brief hugs. Perhaps it was the fact that Peggy and John already seemed so close that brought the other Schuylers and Alexander together: nonetheless, he was happy to have made some new friends. Additionally, it gave him something to write John about. 

Alexander hurried back to work after lunch with the sisters and finished up what he had been doing previously. He was eager to write John now (he had forgotten all about the affair, the way his heart ached, the consequences...) and after work he practically sprinted to his apartment after rushed goodbyes to Burr and Washington. 

_My dearest Laurens,_

_Words cannot possibly describe how much I miss you, your touch, your smile, your cooking… All I want is for you to come home and be safe in my arms. And as for myself, having to remember my own needs is proving to be very strange. Often our friends will remind me or simply do it themselves. I even had dinner with Aaron Burr and his wife, Theodosia. Herc and Laf have been around as well, and I know for a fact that they want you home as much as I do._

_I also had the pleasure to meet Angelica and Eliza Schuyler, your friend Peggy’s sister. I’m not sure if you’re aware, but she had written to them about me, prompting them to visit since we all live in New York. I can tell you will get along with the other sisters, as I hope to get along with Peggy. I think it’s safe to say we will be seeing more of them as time progresses :)_

Alexander bit his lip and hesitated for just a moment.

_Remember, John, just how far my affections will go for you. I wish it was in my power, by action rather than words, to convince you that I love you. I guess I’ll have to wait (with bated breath) for your homecoming. Please stay safe and give my regards to Peggy._

_Yours forever,_

_Alexander_

He let out a breath and set his pen down. By this point, the sinking feeling had once again settled in his stomach and was sitting heavy. Was he an idiot for professing his love and _not talking about the fact that he had sex with a woman-_

After a brief moment, Alexander closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath. Of course he couldn’t talk about it in a letter, that would be stupid and heartbreaking for John while he was so far away. That all-too-familiar nagging voice ranted about how selfish he was being, but he shut it out and instead favored the silence of his apartment. The only sound was the faint hum of the light on his desk, which he found himself staring at once his eyes opened. He didn’t hear it, however. Abruptly, heavy tears bubbled up and flowed down his cheeks. His hands went to his cheeks and covered his eyes as his back shook with muffled sobs. _Fuck, he missed John._

Minutes later, Alexander had fallen asleep with his head on the desk. 

_They were on the subway. John was holding a sandwich in his hand, his favorite from a local deli. Grilled chicken with avocado and green goddess dressing. His other hand was wrapped securely around Alexander’s. Alexander was smiling, and there was a warm feeling in his heart. John had come home and they were just spending the day together to make up for the time they lost. The train came to a jerking stop, prompting John to stand up and yank Alexander with him. They stumbled onto the platform together, but- suddenly, he was falling into heavy, deep red, silk sheets. John had disappeared, and he was drowning. He tried to scream for help, but only a strangled cry escaped him. Deeper and deeper until he couldn’t even tell that the fabric was red, just darkness. Gasping for breath._

 _B r e a t h e._

_Alexander’s eyes closed as he gulped down a choked breath. When they opened, he was in a dimly lit hallway. His apartment, he realized. The front door opened and John stepped in wearing his camouflage uniform. Alexander reached out to him, but John slowly began to turn into someone else... someone... the woman._

_It was dark and he was falling again._

Alexander jolted awake, still at his desk. There was a wet spot under his cheek. It was cold in the apartment. His back aching from the uncomfortable angle he had fallen asleep, he stood and made his way to the bedroom where he collapsed, similar to every night since his irreversible error. The ghost-like warmth of a person in his arms lulled him back into a dreamless sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> o-0


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Four months had passed since Alexander’s last major breakdown. He cried occasionally when he received a letter from John, but it was never again so intense, and he always hurried to respond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! We’re nearing the end :,) hopefully the format doesn’t get messed up again 
> 
> *sighs* whEn EVerYonE wAnTs JOhN BacK BUt tHe AutHor Is A mEanIe

_~ * _ <> ~ four months later ~ <>_* ~ _

There were three bedrooms in the Schuyler’s apartment, one of which, the yellow one, had been empty for months. The other two were pink and blue, but one had just been shaken up by someone in a rush to leave and the other had someone else strewn over the bed. Eliza had slept past her alarm and was ten minutes behind schedule, hence the messy blue room. On the other hand, Angelica had come home late last night and immediately crashed, unaware of the undoubtedly uncomfortable position her body was in. Her heavy snores filled the room with occasional pauses as deep breaths escaped her nose. At promptly 7am, Angelica’s alarm on her phone went off with a shrill ring. She jerked her head up and blinked rapidly until her eyes adjusted to the light that poured from the slit between the curtains and frantically slapped the nightstand until she found her phone and pressed the ‘stop’ option. While her body practically groaned as she pushed herself out of bed, Angelica forced herself up and made her way into the kitchen. She tied a knot in her robe and ran a hand through her heavy, curly hair, looking around for a moment for her sister.  
Elizabeth Schuyler had a tight schedule that morning: she had left the house at 6:30am to be at work by 7:00, then from work she went to a meeting with some local charity boards at 12:00, at 1:00 she grabbed some lunch, and by 1:30 she had to be back at work until 4:00. After all that, Eliza would have to go to the store to buy some groceries. Needless to say, she was non-stop. At the moment, she was sitting at her desk at work, a local fostering system. It broke her heart to see the amount of kids that remained unadopted and constantly filtering through the system, so she poured an immeasurable amount of effort into her work.  
Eliza’s schedule varied everyday, but given the previous late night, she was exhausted by the time work was over. Her good friend, who happened to be Alexander’s, Hercules Mulligan gave her a ride home after her shopping. It was dark in the apartment: Angelica would still be at work by now at NYU. After putting everything away and ordering some pizza, Eliza finally settled down on the couch and put on a true crime podcast.   
About 20 minutes had passed when there was a knock on the door. Eliza sprung up from her spot and made her way to the door, cash in hand, to get the pizza from the delivery man. Upon stepping to the door, her foot landed on the mail that she had forgotten to pick up. After getting the pizza, she picked up the mail and took it to the couch. It was mostly junk, but one letter caught her eye. Peggy’s most recent letter had finally come through, and by the looks of it, somehow sooner than any of the others. As Eliza’s eyes scanned the letter, her hand flew to her mouth and she gasped. 

Four months had passed since Alexander’s last major breakdown. He cried occasionally when he received a letter from John, but it was never again so intense, and he always hurried to respond. His life was running relatively smoothly: he won multiple cases, got to know two of the three Schuyler sisters more, and spent time with his other friends as well. He went home one afternoon in relatively high spirits, reminiscent of one of the last nights John had been home. Memories of the smell of Korean ramen and John’s cologne warmed Alexander’s heart and brought a smile to his face.  
A stack of John’s letters sat in the middle of the table, the corners slightly worn by Alexander reading them over and over. Also on the table was a small box of little index cards with John’s recipes neatly organized inside. Alexander gently flicked through the cards until he pulled out a single slip. John’s loopy handwriting graced the card, which was labeled _pollo guisado._ A smile spread slowly over his features as he read over the ingredients and instructions that John had worked hard to replicate from Alexander’s memory of his mother’s cooking. In a whirl, Alexander retrieved all the ingredients and laid them out on the countertop. Kitchen knives flew over the cutting boards and were added into a pot, left to cook slowly as he finished adding everything together. Chicken, carrots, homemade sofrito, tomato paste, oregano… so many scents and flavors that threw Alexander into nostalgia of John and his mother. His heart ached as he prepared himself a single serving over rice with avocado and sat by himself at the table, only able to imagine John across from him, eating with him.  
A knock on the door interrupted him halfway through his meal. Alexander stood, frowning, as he wasn’t expecting anybody to come over. He looked through the little hole in the door was viewed a young man in a camouflage uniform. It wasn’t John: the man had fair skin and no freckles. Cautiously, Alexander opened the door.  
“Hello,” he greeted. “How can I help you?”  
“Mister Hamilton?” the man questioned gently. “Are you Alexander Hamilton?”  
Alexander felt his heart speeding up in his chest. “Y-yes, why?”  
The other man reached into his satchel and pulled out a letter with a typed address and a neatly placed stamp. “This is for you,” he said, his tone of voice almost sad. “Goodbye, sir.”  
He walked off without another word, disappearing behind the stairwell door of that floor. Alexander, not taking his eyes off the letter, stepped back into his apartment and pushed the door shut. It was addressed to him, but not from John… not from anyone he knew… 

* * *

_My dearest sisters,_

_I’m writing to the two of you after an armed raid, which unfortunately I cannot go into detail about, but many other brave soldiers and I were involved in the skirmish. You might recall, a couple months ago I wrote to you about a young man named John Laurens. In return, you wrote to me about your blooming friendship with his boyfriend at home, Alexander. Upon returning to the camp and taking count of the troops, 7 soldiers were unaccounted for. John Laurens was one of the soldiers who had not returned from the field. I waited 24 hrs to write to you to confirm our worst fears: all seven, including John, are MIA and presumed dead. Alexander will likely be receiving a letter shortly: take care of him. He writes to John so often and so fondly. I don’t know when he’ll be informed, but I don’t doubt it will be soon after you receive this letter. As for myself, I am relatively uninjured (just a minor issue with my left eardrum and a couple bruises). We were told we might be going home in approximately two weeks time, but there’s no telling what will happen. Nevertheless, I hope to be reunited with you soon and to meet Alexander, though I wish it was on better terms._

_Love always,_

_Peggy_

* * *

_Mister Alexander Hamilton,_

_We at the US Army Reserve regret to inform you that, on a day we are unable to disclose, your partner John Laurens was exposed to an explosive planted by opposing forces. No body was ever recovered nor identified, so he was labeled Missing In Action and presumed dead. We are sorry for your loss but remind you that John died serving his country and protecting his comrades. Any questions can be directed to the return address on the…_

Alexander didn’t finish the letter. Everything around him fell back into a distorted, muffled rumble that filled his ears and an unfocused, disassociated look formed in his eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pollo guisado recipe:
> 
> https://www.delishdlites.com/chicken-recipes/pollo-guisado-puerto-rican-chicken-stew-recipe/
> 
> I- I’m sorry 
> 
> Next chapter up soon, hopefully


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know when you start writing a fic and you’re all pumped but then a couple chapters in you’re just like ‘wth am I doing i want to write other fics’
> 
> In other words, I’m not 100% satisfied with this chapter but I have no motivation to edit it and more motivation to this fic and delve into historical Lams bc god I would die for my revolutionary gays

_ Alexander remembered when the hurricane hit his home in the Caribbean. There had been warnings, but the date was unpredictable: it arrived two days earlier than the best guess. Nobody was fully prepared, nor had they left early enough. At the time, his mother was long gone, and Alexander had little knowledge of where his father was. He rarely saw his brother, and other than the other people that worked the ports, he had few friends. And even with those friends, he still felt alone. Alone in the storm, which raged violently all around his tiny shelter, knocking all sorts of debris into the sides. The structure itself shook, until Alexander finally heard a telltale creak. He was barely able to scramble to the sturdier doorway before everything around him collapsed. Within seconds Alexander was drenched and cold, wind whipping his hair around his face and chunks of rubble scraping his cheeks and arms.  
_ _ Suddenly, everything around him changed. The wind lessened slightly, the rain halted, and the sky around him lightened into greys and yellows. Heavy dark grey clouds graced the chaotic scene; thunder rumbled somewhere in the distance.   
_ _ Other than that, it was quiet.  
_ _ But Alexander knew better.   
_ _ The eye of the hurricane would pass, and the other side would be even worse.   
_ _ Alexander’s limbs shook as he attempted to remove himself from the rubble that had landed on him. Just in time, the peace of the eye as abruptly as it had arrived. He gripped the post that had somehow stayed in the ground in front of the rubble and watched with fear in his eyes as the darkness grew closer, closer, closer… louder, louder, louder…  
_ _ And then- _

Alexander’s eyes snapped open. He was still slumped against the hallway wall, and- _fuck-_ his back hurt. Slowly, he stood up and felt his back crack. Everything was dark: _how long had he passed out?_ In the kitchen, the food he had been eating was cold. The digital clock above the stove told him it was about 3:30 in the morning. No point in going back to sleep. Alexander wiped a hand down his face. What would he do? _John had died._ Would he just close off from everyone forever and only focus on his work? Mourn for a short period of time and move on?   
Frustrated, he let out a groan and ran a hand through his hair. _Lonely bastard.  
_ Maybe he would do what he had done all those years ago. Write his way out… flee New York, as he had fled the Caribbean. This was the other side of the hurricane, the hellish fires and violent winds, endless rain and crackling lightning, before he reached the other side.  
Alexander hoped he could.   
There was so much that he had to do.

Washington’s Law Firm was normal. Aaron offered Alexander a small smile and formal greeting, Washington handed him a couple files of work, and that was that. He sat at his desk as if nothing happened. Nobody knew. Nobody knew that _his_ Laurens was _dead_ , that he was all alone now and that all he wanted was to _get away, write his way out, just run from reality-  
_ His pen snapped, and ink splattered on his lap. He couldn’t seem to do anything; why had he come to work? He should be at home, mourning, crying over John, grieving and coping like a normal person-  
“Alexander?”  
It was Aaron.  
“Alexander, is everything alright?” He looked concerned, with his furrowed brow and cautious posture. The coffee in his hand was steaming. 

_ Yes, it’s fine. Everything’s fine _ .

“No.” 

Clearly not expecting such a blunt response, Burr stammered and blinked a few times. “Wha- Hamilton, what happened? If you’re not well, you should’ve called in and stayed at home-“

“ _ John’s dead _ ,” Alexander spat, slamming the broken pen pieces down on his desk. “I received a letter last night.”

Silence. Aaron was clearly struggling to form words. “Alexander…” he finally said, his voice quiet. “I’m so sorry to hear that.”

Alexander let out a bitter laugh. “You may be the first person to tell me that in this situation, but I’ve lived my life surrounded by ‘sorry.’ I don’t need anyone’s pity.” 

“I’m not pitying you, Alexander,” Aaron replied calmly, sitting down. “You forget, you’re not the only orphan in the room. You’re not the only one that lost everything at a young age, and even though you started out with less than me, you  _ rose up.  _ You worked harder, got a lot smarter, went a lot farther… got this job, made friends, and  _ met John. _ ” He sipped his coffee. “I think that-“

At that moment, the doors to Alexander’s office were busted open. Angelica and Eliza bustled into the room, taking the man into their arms and shoving Burr aside.

“ _ Alexander! _ ” Eliza cried. “Do you- have you-“

“Yes,” he said quietly, returning the double embrace. “Yes, just last night… how did you…?”

“Our sister wrote to us, we received a letter as well,” Angelica explained.

“Peggy’s not…”

“No, fortunately she’s alive and well.”   
Alexander sniffed and nodded. “Good, that’s good, I’m glad to hear that.”

The two women separated from him. Eliza sighed and took his hand in her own. “We went to your apartment, but you weren’t answering the door… a neighbor told us you had gone to work. Why are you here, Alexander? You’ve barely had a day to grieve…”

He shrugged and attempted to swallow back his tears, but when he opened his mouth to explain, all that came out was a choked sob. Aaron respectfully left the room as the sisters once more rushed to comfort their friend. Finally, they convinced Alexander to leave the office and come to their house for a day in with some movies and food. Later in the day, the two Schuylers watched with broken hearts as Alexander fell asleep on their couch, the dark rings under his eyes especially prominent at that moment.  
When he woke up later, he quietly thanked Angelica and Eliza and excused himself to go back to his apartment.   
Upon dragging himself up the stairs and down the hall to his door, he discovered it was left slightly ajar.   
Dread and fear immediately seeped over Alexander’s body as he wondered if someone had broken in. 

Carefully, he nudged the door open.

His bag fell to his feet.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dark curls. Warm eyes. A countless smattering of freckles and heavy-duty leather combat boots.  
>  Alexander wanted to scream. He wanted to scream and cry and punch something and hug the shit out of whatever he was seeing...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. This is the last chapter!! I think!! I remember when I started this during exams and it was just for the purpose of procrastinating and using this trope :,) I hope you enjoyed... thank you for reading!!
> 
> Should I do a second part concerning John finding out about the affair? Plus a little extra? ;) 
> 
> Sorry abt the cheesy ending ooP

Dark curls. Warm eyes. A countless smattering of freckles and heavy-duty leather combat boots.  
Alexander wanted to scream. He wanted to scream and cry and punch something and _hug the shit out of whatever he was seeing-  
_ It couldn’t be real. He had either passed out somewhere and was dreaming or he was dead or hallucinating.   
_John was standing right there in the kitchen, still in his camouflage uniform, cooking something on the stove as if nothing had happened.  
_ He must’ve felt someone’s eyes on him, because he eventually turned away from the stove and saw Alexander.  Alexander’s heartbeat filled his own ears as he took a tentative step forward, as if he was afraid this moment would disappear.  
“John…?” he muttered quietly.   
John’s head abruptly jerked up and he dropped the spoon he had been stirring with. He quickly turned the stove off.   
“Alexander…” he said, turning and taking a tentative step forward, as if he was afraid of scaring the other man. But in turn, Alexander also took a step forward.   
Suddenly, a sob broke free from his lips and he rushed forward, grasping John’s uniform as if he were afraid it would disappear.   
“Please, _please_ tell me this isn’t a dream,” Alexander whimpered, hands scrambling to pull as much of John as he could into his arms.  
John himself had tears in his eyes as he cradled the back of Alexander’s head in one hand and used the other to pull him close, gently lowering the two of them to the ground.   
“You’re not dreaming, my love, I’m here... I’m okay.”   
Alexander couldn’t respond, he simply cried harder into John’s chest and tightened his grip. Not even a moment later, being the typical Alex, he began searching for words to describe what he was feeling. Only a jumble of vowels and consonants spilled out though, until he managed to take one deep shuddering breath. “I- I thought- you-“ he continued to choke on his words, “ _I thought I lost you._ ”  
“You haven’t,” John whispered into the top of his head, closing his eyes and inhaling the smell of Alexander’s coconut shampoo. “It was just a misunderstanding, I’m here, and I’m _never_ letting you go.”   
Slowly, John began to stroke Alexander’s hair as he continued to grasp onto him like a lifeline. Eventually his sobs dissolved into hiccups, and the hiccups into the sound of steady, shallow breaths. Alexander had fallen asleep, and John wasn’t about to move. Chuckling to himself, he laid back on the kitchen floor, disregarding the discomfort, and held his boyfriend as he eventually fell asleep as well. 

* * *

John woke up a while later, sometime late in the night. Alexander was still heavily asleep on his chest, previously shed tears dry on his cheeks. Ever so carefully, John lifted his boyfriend and carried him to their bedroom.  
 _Their bedroom.  
_ He almost wanted to cry at the sight of their bed, the messiness that made the room their own, every little accent of Alexander that he had been missing for _months._ Sighing happily, John set Alex down and sat on the edge of the bed. Everything seemed the same as it was when he had left, from the smell of their laundry detergent to the books on Alexander’s desk stuffed with sticky notes.  
Unsure of what to do with himself, John left the bedroom and went back into the kitchen to clean up what he had been cooking before Alexander got home. While he was doing so, he made a few phone calls to friends that had likely also gotten news of his “death.” Really, he had just been knocked out cold by a blast and woke up hours later hidden under some rubble. He was lucky: while others suffered major wounds, John escaped with some cuts, a few bruises, and a concussion. The principal at the high school he had been working for before being deployed was more than willing to give him back his position as the art teacher. The Schuyler sisters practically ruptured his eardrum upon receiving his call, frantically begging to meet him in real life and clearly very happy that he was alive. Lafayette and Hercules actually _cried_ over the phone, and John wasn’t ashamed to admit that he SHES a few tears as well.  
After all the calls were made, John turned to his go-to method of relaxation: working in the kitchen. He quickly checked on Alexander and got changed into some more comfortable clothes, rolled up the sleeves of his hoodie, and went to work. One dessert that they both cherished was _Tembleque_ , a creamy coconut pudding with a slight custardy texture. A little bit of Grand Marnier completed the flavors that gave Alexander a small reminder of what his mother made for holidays when he still lived in the Caribbean. Preparing the pudding itself sent a wave of nostalgia over John as he danced around the kitchen, having missed cooking dearly while he had been away. Finally, he was pouring the base into tiny molds and putting them into the refrigerator to set and solidify. As he was finishing cleaning his mess up at the sink, a pair of arms slid around his waist. Alexander had woken up and was resting his head on John’s shoulder.  
“I was afraid I’d dreamt of you coming home,” he said in a small voice, still thick with sleep. “You weren’t in bed and I panicked.”  
John smiles and removed his gloves, turning in Alexander’s arms to look him in the eyes. “I told you, I’m never letting you go,” he said. “And once I meet them, I doubt the other two Schuyler sisters would _ever_ allow that to happen.”   
Alexander laughed and tucked his face into John’s shoulder. “Yeah, I wouldn’t expect any less.”  
A comfortable silence fell over the two of them as they swayed slightly in the embrace.  
“I missed you so much,” Alexander whispered. Whatever John said next, he didn’t quite hear. Something that had been hidden in the back of his mind suddenly overtook everything else: _he had cheated on John._ He suddenly felt very ill, as if his stomach was clenching around nothing and his heart was shriveling in his chest. No sound entered his ears, and everything went cold. He was sinking, deeper and deeper into the dark recesses of his regret.   
“Alexander?”  
He blinked out of his reverie to find John’s searching his face and his hands on his cheeks.  
“Are you alright?”  
Alexander hesitated and struggled to speak for a moment. “I’m fine,” he finally managed. “Just got lost in my head for a moment.”   
John’s brow furrowed, and his expression seemed worried, but he relaxed and withdrew his hands. “Okay,” he said quietly. “You’d tell me if something was wrong?”  
“Of course.”   
_It would have to come out another day,_ Alexander supposed, as much as it weighed on his heart. _Another day._

* * *

Alexander went back to work that day, and John went to the school to pick up some paperwork and meet with some friends. By the time he got home, the _Tembleque_ was more than ready, but he knew dinner had to come first. Alexander would come home to John’s specialty chicken piccata, a bottle of champagne that Washington had insisted on buying for him in honor of John’s return in hand. The two dined and drank by candlelight and later savored the dessert John had prepared… plus a little extra ;)   
Afterwards, Alexander was resting on John’s chest, tracing shapes on his sweaty skin. John was still trying to catch his breath, but he played with Alexander’s hair as he did so.  
“I really thought I’d lost you forever,” Alexander whispered. “I didn’t know what to do with myself, I felt like I did when I lost my mother to the hurricane all over again…” he sniffed and hugged John. “I would’ve become an empty shell that just worked through the pain.”  
John’s heart strained in his chest and he gently tugged Alexander up so their faces were closer. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “You didn’t deserve that.”  
“It wasn’t your fault.”  
“I know, but I’m still sorry.” He pressed a kiss to Alexander’s lips. “I love you.”  
Alexander gave John a tired smile and pecked his lips once more. “I love you, too.”  
Shortly after, the two of them fell asleep curled up together, in their own home, as things were meant to be. 


End file.
